Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall