When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
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Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.