Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive