Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Still cracks me up
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”