Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
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If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.