If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Bobby pin
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers