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ME: finally a program for me
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Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.