My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
You Might Also Like
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I want what they have
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television