Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Breaking news:
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.