*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .