I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
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if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
This why you should mind your business
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.