[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.