Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Same post same
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.