[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is