I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
😬
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog