Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Coffee is ready.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
If only
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company