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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!