Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
You Might Also Like
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.