frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
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I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
LOL
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I feel seen
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Nothing.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.