Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*