Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that