no cat here
You Might Also Like
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator