Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter