I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
This kid is going places
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]