Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
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[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
😂😂😂
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year