Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?