[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
You Might Also Like
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I hate everything
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.