If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.