I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
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I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
CUTE CAT‼︎
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.