I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
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In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.