Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
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(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids