Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]