Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
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Bed should get ready for ME
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.