Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
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Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together