You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
We’re all getting idioter.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time