Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
You Might Also Like
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.