I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
You Might Also Like
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles