Had an epiphany today.
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“I FIXED IT!”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
This is not me but this is me
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk