ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
fired
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
How to draw a duck
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good