Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
ok this is my dumbest yet
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
rapatouille
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.