Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*