I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I unironically love this joke.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”