(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Denise please return my vape pen
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?