my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
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There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.