A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I have never related to anyone more.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
o shit
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”