Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
we all know this pain all too well
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes