[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
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3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*