11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
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“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
For those that worship cheese..
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband