Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.