Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
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Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub